When you have mental health problems, there are times when it feels like your life has no value whatsoever.
Negative thoughts undermine you every time you think of something in your life which might be worth something, anything. You convince yourself that anything you have achieved is meaningless. When you consider things you might do, your negative mindset dismisses them as either worthless or unachievable.
This post is a tool which can hopefully remind you that:
1. There are aspects of your life which are valuable, to both you and other people
2. You can incorporate more valuable activities into your life if you wish
If you are experiencing a bad episode of mental illness, your mind will probably rail against every suggestion and come up with excuses for not acknowledging the value in your life. Try not to be discouraged and recognise it as a symptom of your mental health problems, not a reflection of you as a person.
Every life has value. Even people who have done terrible things have aspects of their life which are valuable, which have affected others in a positive way. It doesn’t mean the valuable parts of their lives atone for the crimes and atrocities they have committed, but it means that everyone has the power to choose to cultivate those parts of their lives which are most valuable. If everyone focused on the value in their lives and other people’s lives, the world would be a kinder, more compassionate place.
There are many ways in which people find value in their lives. Here is a brief outline of 4 key areas:
Creating anything is valuable, especially if it comes from the heart. Creativity can take many different forms, from making practical objects like furniture and tools to producing lighthearted sketch shows which entertain people. The intended effects of what you create can be likewise various: you may write an essay to challenge political thought, take a photograph to evoke emotion or cook dinner so your family can enjoy a tasty, satisfying meal. All of these effects are valuable, adding meaning and pleasure to people’s lives.
You should celebrate improving and developing your skills, of course, but it’s best to focus on expressing yourself — not on judging or criticising the results. Take pleasure in what you create.
You probably already do creative activities in your life, even if you don’t consider them as “proper” creative activities. People often dismiss things they find easy or have done for a long time. They might disregard drawing, for example, as just doodling. They might knit or sew, but think of these things as practical means to an end, rather than a creative pursuit. Think about how you are creative in your life — perhaps you style your hair or apply makeup in a certain way, grow herbs on a windowsill or make greetings cards for friends.
What you create doesn’t have to be professional standard to be valuable. Remember, the value is in the process more than the outcome. Consider how it makes you feel, as well as how your creativity makes other people feel. Being creative can help cultivate a sense of wellbeing, especially as it makes you feel useful. By their definition, all creative activities leave you with something to show for your time, which is a reminder that your time itself is valuable.
Your life is valuable to everyone with whom you have a personal relationship. The problem with the word “relationship” is that it has become synonymous with “romantic relationship” so can make those of us who are single, or people in dissatisfactory romantic relationships, feel our lives have no value when people talk about the importance of relationships. Consider your relationships in a more inclusive sense: family relationships, friendships, relationships with colleagues and acquaintances, etc. You touch people’s lives in a variety of ways.
Think about how the people in your life have given you value: they might have given you different kinds of support or just made you laugh during a tough day. Think about what you have done for them — even if you feel like a burden most of the time, there are always little things which you have done for others.
Remember that pets count, too. My relationship with my dog provides me with a lot of value, because I can’t deny that he loves me. During a bad episode, I can argue ad nauseum that my friends and family don’t really care and would be better off without me (though I know that’s not really true), but my dog demonstrates every day that he is besotted with me. I’m the most important person in his life and he would be devastated if I died. Sure, I think that’s pretty damned pathetic when my mental health problems are bad, but it’s better than nothing — it’s something to cling on to.
Trouble is, we tend to dismiss relationships which don’t fit our vision of perfect relationships: if they aren’t wonderful 100% of the time, we don’t think of them as valuable when we’re feeling low. The reality is that no relationship fits the Hollywood versions we have been sold. You might wish your life resembled your favourite film or sitcom, but the fact that it isn’t similar doesn’t mean your relationships are less valuable.
Think about all the connections you have, to people you know well and those you see only occasionally. Your life has value because it impacts so many people, even in small ways.
We can contribute to other people’s lives in a variety of ways, all of which are valuable. It follows on from relationships, because simply providing love and companionship is a great way to contribute to others. Acts of kindness (whether random or not) can also make a big difference. It can be challenging to find ways to demonstrate kindness when you have mental health problems, but it’s still possible — buying a friend a small surprise gift or baking a cake, for instance, are great ways of brightening someone’s day.
Donating to charity is also a fabulous way of contributing to society. You can donate money, items or time. You can adapt your contribution to suit your current circumstances, so you can do more as your mental health improves and hold back during bad episodes. Most organisations are grateful for anything you can give and will understand that you need to prioritise your health.
Volunteering can be especially rewarding when it concerns an issue which is important to you. I recently started volunteering for The Project, which is a local organisation which supports young people with mental health problems and their families. I have volunteered for other organisations and found the work valuable, but striving to help young people who are in similar situations to ones I have experienced is more meaningful. I hope I can help to spare them some of the pain I went through, long before The Project existed, which gives my life a greater sense of purpose and value.
Pursuing goals can be a great source of value and meaning — as long as you reasons for selecting your goals are your own. Doing something because you think you should or because lots of other people do it isn’t as valuable. I have recently been reminded to focus on my personal reasons for undertaking my Machu Picchu charity challenge, which had fallen by the wayside as I freaked out about fundraising and not measuring up to other people’s expectations. We all have to run our own race. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing, not least because they haven’t faced the same challenges as we have, so the real value comes from focusing on doing our best for our own reasons.
Setting goals and working towards them cultivates a sense of purpose. It reminds us that we are moving and making progress, even when we feel like we are stagnating.
We may also inspire others by pursuing our goals, which adds value to their lives as well as our own. You may have noted that I have said “pursuing goals” instead of “achieving goals” throughout this section: the achieving doesn’t matter as much as the pursuing. Striving towards goals gives your life meaning, regardless of the outcome. The results simply don’t matter as much as the pursuit, because it’s the work and preparation which provides value.
Your goals can be anything, as long as they stretch you a little and aren’t so overwhelming that you give up. They don’t need to be grand or important — you don’t even need to tell anyone else about them, though the support can help. For several years, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to read Ulysses by James Joyce. It gave me something to work towards during some very difficult times and I enjoyed pursuing the goal, though it probably sounds silly to other people. You know what you like, so pick goals which you will enjoy working towards.
Make a list of what gives your life value — right now.
If you are feeling low, doing this can remind you of how much you have in your life. If you are feeling good, keep the list to look at during bad episodes and/or think of ways you could add more value to your life.
Just remember that your life does have value, meaning and purpose — even when it feels otherwise.