Tag Archives: Renewal

Not The Type?

I had a strange experience a few weeks ago: I was thinking about potential career plans and found myself dismissing many possibilities because “I’m not that type” or “I’m not a people person.” Then something clicked inside my head and I realised that I would have said the same about numerous aspects of my current life. If you had told me 10 or 15 years ago that I would be a vegan who enjoys running, I would have laughed. If you had told me the same thing 8 years ago, when  walking for longer than a few minutes was a struggle, I would have thought you were making a cruel joke. Yet there I was, willing to limit my future based on assumptions I make about my current abilities.

The more I contemplated this, the more I realised how often I had made similar statements about:

  • Things I do now, on a regular basis
  • Things I have done in the past
  • Things I consider an integral part of my lifestyle
  • Things I consider an integral part of my identity

When I started to examine my bald claims about not being a certain type of person, I realised a lot of my assumptions are simply untrue. For example, when I say “I’m not a people person” I’m thinking about the label “people person” in a stereotyped way. To be specific, it conjured images of people who are super-confident in social situations, who are outspoken extroverts who never get intimidated by other people. I was chatting about this with my friend Kat and she said 10 words which made me pause:

“Perhaps your idea of a ‘people person’ needs to change.”

 I’m not a complete misanthrope, so I realised I’m probably more of a “people person” than I believe. I started to think about what the term could mean for me, as an individual, in relation to my skills and qualities. 

This is the result:

  • Caring about people’s mental health and helping them to improve it
  • Listening to people’s experiences and concerns, trying to understand their perspective 
  • Empathising with people in a variety of situations
  • Communicating with people through writing and blogging
  • Sharing my own experiences with the hope of inspiring or reassuring people
  • Learning about other people, cultures, interests and experiences
  • Spending time with people in small groups or on a one-to-one basis

Expanding my definition is helping me to think about my options in a more complex (and helpful) way, instead of dismissing entire career sectors. I will probably have to work on reducing my social anxiety and learning better verbal communication skills if I choose a career which involves working closely with people, but considering the specific changes I might need to make is more productive than refusing to explore my options because I don’t like parties or crowds.

Looking beyond stereotypes and changing or adapting definitions to suit my own situation is something I have already done, to an extent: I’m a runner, because I run, but I certainly don’t fit the competitive stereotype who enters marathons all the time and sneers at people who don’t run. Entering races on a regular basis isn’t something which interests me at this point in my life (although I keep an open mind to the possibility of that changing) and the only person I compete with is myself. Similarly, people who write should call themselves writers –– regardless of whether they have been published or paid for writing –– because that’s what they do. What we do. 

However, just as I find myself saying “I want to be a writer” from time to time, especially when my confidence is low, I suspect I will forget to check my new definitions. It’s difficult to start consciously thinking of myself in different ways, especially when challenging assumptions and labels which have shaped my identity for many years. I think the key is to stop myself when I notice I’m using phrases such as “I’m not the type to do X” or “I’m not an X person” as an excuse not to explore something which piques my interest. Even if I decide the option isn’t for me, I will have made that decision based on solid research, not false assumptions.

In future, I’m going to try not to limit myself –– just as there’s more than one way to be a runner or a writer, there are many ways to be a “people person.” Or anything else I might want to be.

New Year, New Slate?

I think many of us like the idea of a new year being a fresh start. As we change to a new calendar, we would like to cast off our flaws, our bad habits, perhaps even our old selves. We envision a new life, where we have perfect bodies, plenty of money, fantastic relationships… Never mind that we have to start with the foundation we have already built: our current selves.

The Palimpsest 

Instead of considering 2016 as a new slate, it is more helpful to think of the new year as a palimpsest. We can overwrite what has gone before, but we can’t change what has already been written. We can use our pasts to inform the choices we make and which goals we decide to pursue.

Having our past as the foundation of our future is an advantage. No matter how much you hate your current life, you can learn to accept your past and learn from your mistakes. Acceptance is difficult, but it’s part of taking responsibility for your life — which is essential if you want to change your life.

On a mundane level, we can use our past to figure out how to approach practical goals. If you are prone to restrictive dieting followed by massive weight gain, for instance, you know that going on a crash diet isn’t the answer. You can use the information gleaned from your yoyo dieting to make gradual changes to your lifestyle and lose weight without regaining it once your diet ends.

Applying Self-Knowledge 

We all have a wealth of information about ourselves which can be applied to new year’s resolutions and achievi goals. You just need to access this information. Think about it: you have lived for X number of years, during which you have learnt many things, coped with many issues and solved many problems.

Have you ever saved some money, even a tiny amount, so that you could buy something you really wanted? Great! You know how to save money. You also know how to delay gratification. It doesn’t matter if the only time you have saved money was when you were 12 years old and wanted a computer game; it doesn’t matter if you have spent the last 20 years racking up credit card debts to pay for what you can afford. You know how to save money. Sure, things may be a lot more complicated now and your life might be completely different, but you can still apply the principle to your current situation.

Adaptation and Evolution 

Adapting information and self-knowledge is a useful skill. You can apply it to anything you want and transform your life in multiple ways. Again, this is easier said than done and I don’t want to imply that you can flick a switch and change your life overnight. Most of us learn gradually from our mistakes, even if we are not conscious of doing so, but being aware of the process acts as a catalyst which can help you make changes faster.

For example, I am energised by taking courses. Sometimes this bubbles over into stress, but when I’m enrolled on a course I am motivated by completing assignments, researching the subject and improving my skills. Perhaps it’s the perfectionist in me which thrives in an environment where I get graded, or at least get told whether I have passed or failed.

I approached my driving test in this way: I spent hours studying and practising. One of my main reasons for doing an MA in Creative Writing was that I knew my writing would improve much quicker than if I had just worked on it alone. A couple of years ago, I even did a bookkeeping course so that I didn’t feel so intimidated by the thought of keeping my own financial records if I was lucky enough to make a living from freelancing.

Observe what works for you. If you want to get fit but hate running alone because you would rather be at the pub with your mates, try joining a sports team or fitness class. If you hate following rules and tend to rebell, don’t embark on a rigidly structured plan to change your life. These examples might sound obvious, but when we are caught up in the ebb and flow of life, we simply don’t consider all of the options available.

Challenging Assumptions 

Often, we tend to think something has to be done in a certain way. Perhaps we are surrounded by people who do things in similar ways, who approach their lives from a similar perspective. We don’t think of challenging the status quo because we assume it works. We assume that what other people do is the “correct” way to do it.

While our family and friends have a huge impact on how we think and act, we are also influenced by television, the internet, celebrity culture, social networks, books, magazines, subcultures, advertising, experts, newspapers, forums/messageboards and, oh yes, blogs. Even if you aren’t strongly influenced by any of these things, look at how much they overlap — consider the power of the messages which are constantly being relayed to you.

No wonder do many people will start 2016 by going on a strict diet — over the course of a single television programme this morning, I saw an interview with a reality television “star” who has released a workout DVD,  watched a cookery item focusing on healthy eating and was told about a guest on an upcoming programme who has lost an “astonishing” 4 stone. I was also exposed to numerous adverts for diets, fitness DVDs and beauty products. The message is clear: I am fat and therefore inadequate. The proposed solution is a “healthy” but restrictive diet and aerobics.

Perhaps I would still be misled by this crap if I hadn’t already followed the “advice” and lost weight. Yep, you read that right: I am criticising methods which helped me lose weight. How much weight? 64lbs. Over the course of 4/5 months. Sounds great, right? So why aren’t I recommending you listen to all the pseudo-celebrities advertising their diet/fitness products? Because diets don’t work in the long term. I am currently 120lb above my lowest weight and must have been a lot more, because I was a UK size 26 when I graduated in 2011 and am now a size 18.

I followed the conventional “wisdom” and it left me fatter than ever before. When I was following the diet, I was miserable and felt like I was punishing myself. When I failed to sustain my unsustainable diet and regained weight, I felt like a failure. I have been gradually making lifestyle changes over the past few years and I have dropped 4 dress sizes — without feeling deprived or punished. Challenging what everyone else was telling me has led to long term success, which I hope will continue.

Think about the typical ways people tackle goals and ask whether there is a better option. If you want to save money, for example, the conventional approach is to cut back on your spending. But what if you don’t want to cut back? You might already be living on as little as you feel you can, or you might think you get excellent value from what you soend money on. You can turn the problem on its head: instead of looking for ways to cut your spending, you could look for ways to make more money. Once you reframe the question, you see the full range  of options: you could take on a second job, sell what you own, do online surveys, take in a lodger… Even if you decide against these options, acknowledging their possibility means you can make an informed decision.

What Do You Really Want?

You should also make an informed decision about which new year’s resolutions to make and which goals to pursue. Have you asked yourself what you really want to achieve this year, or have you just gone along with what you think you should do?

You might be overweight, but that doesn’t mean you need to prioritise losing weight this year. In fact, it may be beneficial to work on other areas of your life first. Personally, I had to sort out a lot of emotional issues before I could adopt a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps your family keeps telling you to strive for a promotion, but you’re happy with your current job. Maybe you think you should travel more because everyone else seems to be doing it. Stop! Reassess whether you want to make these changes.

After careful consideration, you may decide to follow the goals you have already set. Your health might already be suffering because you’re overweight and waiting a year would significantly increase your risk of heart attack or diabetes. You could decide that the pay rise you would get if you got that promotion is worth the change of job. You may decide to try travelling just to see whether you like it. That’s fine. Again, by asking these questions you are making an informed decision instead of blindly following the well-trodden path.

Whatever you want in 2016, good luck! I will blog about my goals throughout the year, so I hope you will enjoy reading about my progress (or otherwise!) as you pursue your own goals.